If you are a friend of a person who has just experienced a crisis or traumatic event, it can be difficult to know how best to help this person. You may be wondering what’s the “right” thing to say and how you can best help your friend. Below are a few suggestions for helping friends who are experiencing a crisis:
1. |
Manage Your Own Anxiety. It’s normal to feel anxious, even afraid, when someone is expressing a lot of emotion. Remain calm and give this person your undivided attention. If needed, move to a more private room/area. |
2. |
Listen Without Judgment. Many people feel very vulnerable when seeking help from others, and, as a result, they need to experience acceptance and compassion in order to feel safe being vulnerable. Judging someone’s experience is often experienced as rejecting, and is usually not helpful. Listen to your friend’s experience and refrain from evaluating it. |
3. |
Affirm Your Friend’s Feelings. Feelings are a natural part of our daily experiences. Unfortunately, some people have learned to be uncomfortable with some feelings and even tune out others altogether. Still others struggle with finding the right words to describe their feelings. Acknowledging a feeling such as sadness, helplessness, or anger can give your friend permission to experience and express it. Sometimes just being able to identify the feeling can result in a decrease in anxiety and an increase in a sense of control. |
4. |
What’s Within Our Control. Crisis situations often upset our sense of the world leaving us feeling vulnerable and with little control. We often seek to regain that lost sense of control through a variety of means. Helping your friend to identify what can be controlled (e.g., our expectations of ourselves and others, expressing feelings, and talking with others) can go a long way in helping her/him to regain some balance. |
5. |
Identifying Needs. Our feelings can be a good source of information about what we need. Talking about our experiences, getting reassurance that we will survive this crisis, and acknowledging that we might need more professional assistance than what our friends/family can offer are examples of needs. Your friend might need time to sort out her/his needs. Encouraging friends to proceed at their own pace can remove some pressure to “have it all figured out.” |
6. |
There’s No Manual. Unfortunately, there’s no manual detailing how we should react to a crisis. Some persons freely express their feelings, some don’t. Each one of us will react to a crisis in a different way. There are no “right” or “wrong” reactions to a crisis. As a friend, your best approach is to openly share your observations and concerns while simultaneously giving the person permission to react in her/his own way. |
7. |
Applaud Friend’s Decision to Seek Help. As mentioned earlier, it can be hard for some to be vulnerable and ask others for help. Some may feel ashamed for not being able to cope with the crisis on their own. Affirm that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness and applaud the person’s courage. |
8. |
Consult With Others. If you have any doubts or concerns, consult with other friends, professors, or a member of Counseling and Consultation. It’s important to recognize your own limits as to the amount and type of help you can offer a friend. Even if you don’t have any doubts, it still might be a good idea to check in with a counselor or other mental health professional. When it comes to helping others, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.” |
9. |
Addressing Suicidal/Homicidal Thoughts and Behaviors. Should you or your friend ever have thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else, please seek help immediately. Between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. contact Counseling and Consultation at (480) 965-6146. After 5 p.m. and on the weekends contact EMPACT Crisis Hotline at (480) 921-1006. |
10. |
Referring a Friend. Inquire about whether your friend has thought about talking with a counselor. Some advantages to talking with a counselor are having another person from which to receive support, obtaining a different perspective on the situation, and having an additional source of ideas. If necessary, review some of these advantages with your friend. You can also offer to accompany her/him to Counseling and Consultation. Once you have discussed the option of talking with a counselor give your friend space to decide whether that is what he/she needs. |
11. |
Take Care of Yourself. It’s not uncommon for us to seek out support for ourselves when helping someone in crisis. The experience of helping someone can be emotionally draining and can touch on some powerful feelings of our own. Eating healthily, exercising, and seeking out help when needed are all ways of taking care of yourself so that you can effectively support your friend. |
